Cornton: Our Astronauts will walk on the Moon

Cornton Enters Race Back to The Moon

New Space College To Open

We Will Beat The Yanks

In a move that will surprise many residents, the Cornton Community Council announced the creation of two new organisations yesterday. The first - CASA Cornton Aeronautics & Space Agency has unveiled an ambitious plan to beat the Americans back to the Moon. CASA will take over the disused community centre building and convert it into the CEV (Cornton Excursion Vehicle) assembly building. The bus terminus is closely located and this will become Cornton Launch Platform One. The Garages behind the former bus terminus will become Cape Cody Command Centre.

CASA has set the test launch for July 2015, five years earlier than the planned American venture. Development of the CEV will be undertaken by former REME employees concurrent with the training program for plumbers in partnership with the Stirling College's Space and Plumbing Course, stretching both the frontiers of space exploration and the technicalities of the u-bend.

Research and development will be the responsibility of the Cornton Joint Propulsion Labs. "We are up to speed on the Joint part and we just need time to catch up with the rest of the title," a spokesperson for the CJPL told TLC yesterday.

Funding for the projected, estimated at £485 billion should be the subject of a grant from the district councils Leisure & Recreation Directive and the Women's. "These two local authority departments normally fund anything," added the CJPL spokesperson

Suggestions for crew members of early test flights of the CEV, which should take place over Bridge of Allan, have included regulars of the Chalet and elements of the Cornton Alerts Committe. Two other people were later found to be residents of Fallin and it already has enough cadets involved in their very own space program.

The Inaugural General Meeting of the Committee to put Cornton on the Moon

will take place next Wednesday at 6pm sharp in the CEV assembly building (formerly known as the community centre). Tea and sandwiches will be provided and volunteer Space Agency Officers are reminded that the bingo starts at 7:30 so arguments about the electric kettle will be restricted to no more than three minutes

Cornton Tourist T-shirt Offer

Still in the land of fantasy security, this T-shirt could easily be worn to many a stylish function.

Cornton is a great place to grow up

It is too. I spent almost all of my childhood, teenage years and adult life living in the Cornton.

But just imagine if you had to attend the meetings of the Revolutionary Cornton Alerts Committee. Perhaps the meetings might go something like this...

Minutes of the Provisional Action Council of the Cornton Alerts Committee

31/08/2005 19:30 ASU 7

Meeting called by: Mr Cream (Dir Intel)

Type of meeting: ASU Facilitator: ASU 7 Note taker: Mr Blue

Attendees:Mr Green, Mr Blue, Mr Cream, Mr Red, Mr White, Mr Purple, Mr Violet

Agenda

1. Press Coverage Mr Green

Mr Green told the meeting that the recent news coverage had been very succesfule. Superintendent B had specifically avoided saying that any of the committees grievances were inaccurate. She proposed that the council try to obtain a meeting with a local reporter and present the evidence to him. Mr Violet suggested that a midnight tour of the estate with the reporter would show everyone what people had to put up with. Mr Purple wanted it made clear in the next communique with the press, that the stories circulating about arson and arson attacks were complete rubbish. It was important for us not to look like a bunch of angry lunatics and we should duly note this as a policy Mr Green formally proposed that indiscriminate fire bombing was unacceptable behaviour. Mr Red proposed an amendment that stated that the committee decried all acts of an indescriminate nature and that it was the policy of the committee to use those methods considered most appropriate in the circumstances and that they held the people causing the problems in the community entirely responsible for every action taken. Mr White proposed that if a reporter was not forthcoming perhps more direct action might involve inviting a member of the press for a longer stay in Cornton. COS proposed the next section of the discussion be held in camera and remain unminuted.

2. Awarness Campaign Mr Red

More people had a better understanding of the situation and more people outside the community were being made aware. Mr Red had been contacted by individuals from Cultenhove, Cowie and Fallin interested in building membership and raising consciousness in their areas. Mr Green has relatives in one of the areas and she agreed to provide support for possible ASU’s. People in the Cornton were now well informed about who the families named in the letter were. The winos, druggies and hooligans were clearly in the public eye.

3. Police tip offs Mr Grass

Mr Grass reported that they were continuing the surveillance of the active targets and gave a clear presentation of what actions by the targets would activate police inform. Three particular targets had already provided a lot of material on videotape and Mr Purple now had a more advance night vision camera that was being put to good use.

4. Personal security measures Mr White

Mr White has provided everyone with the PGP software and all PC’s have been checked for material evidence and where neccesary this has been permanently deleted. He warned of the need for personal vigilance and that he himself had overheard certain inviduals (named and noted) talking about what they planned in the C.He also reminded the committee to avoiding talk about the targets specifically named in the letters two the press. White warned that they believed there was the risk that some members of the committee were under police surveillance themslevs and that the needed to be very careful not to posses physical evidence or make any statement that may be incriminating. Mr White used a short clip from CSI Miami to show members the best methods of avoiding this. Mr Green volunteered that she had the complete third season of CSI – the real one in Vegas and she would be happy to make copies of it for anyone who gave her the blank disks.Mr White reminded everyone about how important it was for them to have a poor memory of events.

5. Targets. lists & actions Mr Purple

The present deadpool list was presented and three additions were approved.

Mr Purple advised that they now had two further links in target sparrow’s supply chain although recent developments and police action may mean these are not needed as a prolonged sentence is almost certain. Target Kermit and the Target Teletubbies, especially Tinky Winky and La La, were now involved in the double strategy of civil and vigilant action.

6. Black Operations Mr Violet

Mr Black began by apoligising for the activities of his teenage children regarding the incident at the bottle banks. His apologies were accepted and his parenting skills were noted as very good by the committee. Apart from a dsicussion on the contents of the next press communique, the other four operations were moved in camera an not minuted.

Any other commpetent business.

Mr Green raised the point of order that the code names of individuals were all Mr and seemed to indicate a male bias in the group. Mr Green proposed that each alternate code name should be Ms. Mr White pointed out that Mr Green would still be Mr if she did it that way and what if someone wanted to change it again to Mrs or Miss. The status quo remained

Mr White proposed a change of name on the basis that the word vigilante sounded as if everyone was a gun crazy red-neck. Mr Black did not support the initial suggestion. “The People’s Front For The Liberation Of Cornton or PFLOC” because it sounded middle eastern and would confuse people. Mr Violet suggested the “Cornton Defense League or CDL” but response to this was lookwarm and Mr Black said it sounded like a superhero group. Mr Violet also suggested the “Cornton Organised Defence Initiative or CODI”

Additional Information

Time of next meeting.

Mr Green noted that the next regular meeting clashed with the bingo.